I Can Do Bad All By Myself (or Opening Doors)

The title of this post has now become such a cliche that I wonder if it hasn't lost all of its meaning. I use it here because the experience I am about to relate is not earth-shattering...and not because I really mean it.

As I was writing a blog post to discuss a few ways to celebrate Women's History Month and I was thinking about how today is International Women's Day and all, I remembered some rude teenage boys I encountered earlier in the day...how do we get all of out grand proclamations and celebrations to trickle down to the average Joe?

I was entering a high school where I volunteer and when I got to the door a young man opened it and walked past me. The young man behind him held the door open and scolded his friend. As I thanked the more chivalrous of the two, the first said with no small amount of scorn, "She can open it for herself."

Yes, yes I can.

Happy International Women's Day to those who open doors for themselves and to those opened doors for others to walk through.

The Cleavage Isn't Really the Problem...

So between Grover spoofing the Old Spice Guy and the precious I Love My Hair video that is making the rounds, I’ve been watching a lot of Sesame Street clips lately…and I just got around to watching the oh so controversial Katy Perry guest spot on Sesame Street that didn’t air because of the objections over the sight of her cleavage, visible via her see-through bustier-type top.

I know exactly why there were objections to her outfit, but to me the content of the clip is what needs to be examined. I imagine that her song Hot N Cold was adapted using Elmo mainly to teach opposites (up/down, in/out, fast/slow, stop/go) with Elmo acting these out while Katy Perry chases him around. But since Sesame Street also has lessons about social interaction, I wondered what kids were supposed to learn about friendship from this flaky version of Elmo. He told her to meet him to play dress-up…and then he runs away and she sings, "Used to laugh while we played/Now you just run away."

Everyone faces rejection and all kids have times when they don’t want to play, but the skit seemed like a bizarre kiddie He’s Just Not That Into You…what with Katy Perry showing up for a dress-up playdate wearing what looks like bridal headgear and being all disappointed in Elmo, but then chasing him even after he acts like he doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

And then, true to form, Elmo tells “Miss Katie” that he was playing…he was playing tag…and she just didn’t get it. Because if there is one thing kids need to learn, it’s that if you’re gonna be friends, there will be a time when you just aren’t on the same wavelength and that some of us forget to communicate when the game has changed.

Smile Loud Enough for Them to Hear

When I read a piece called Nobody's Smilin' from Clutch Magazine about how annoying it is to have men you don't know demand that you smile, I thought it was on point. And since the usual "black women shouldn't look so mean" stuff gets hashed out in the article's comments, I won't bother going into all that. But yes, a common refrain that is thrown at a woman who won't smile on demand is 'life isn't that bad.'

While life certainly isn't bad, it is annoying to be yelled at or told to smile or expected to stop and converse with/entertain people you have no interest in talking to so that they can get an ego boost. And yes, a smile traditionally means friendliness an approachability, but sometimes "there's daggers in (wo)men's smiles." Even the most upbeat people don't walk around grinning all the time and still may want to be left alone when they do.

So today I was in very long line at Trader Joe's after I'd indulged in a cupcake that made me rather full, and *gasp* I was not smiling despite the wonderfulness of having a car and money for cupcakes and TJ's food. I was however, lost in thought, when someone behind me tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around but quickly realized that the man behind me wanted me to move out of the way so he could get the attention of the man in front of me.

The shoulder-tapper could not speak, but he used gestures and sign language to indicate that the man in front of me should pick up one of the 29 cent chocolate bars conveniently located on a low shelf for people waiting in long lines.

The man in front me was able to speak so he responded out loud and picked up a chocolate bar.

Then the man behind me tapped me on the shoulder again to gesture to me that I should smile.

It's What You Say AND How You Say It

In thinking about the whole 'Dr. Laura Says the N-word'controversy, I am reminded of how much intent matters. So rather than get into a discussion of who can and cannot say the N-word, it is more productive to remember that no one wants to be disrespected, especially not in their own home. The N-word ignites controversy because of its history, but any words can be spoken with sufficient venom and the object of those words will know that they were said to harm and not help.

And where was the woman's husband in all of this. While Dr. Laura, she of the perfectly-tuned funny bone, told the woman she shouldn't enter an interracial marriage unless she had a sense of humor, I'd say you don't want to be married to someone you cannot rely on to take your part when neighbors/relatives seek to make you uncomfortable.

Puppy Luv / Friend This

A guy who asked me out once, but couldn't be bothered to follow through suggested that I friend his dog on Facebook.

Maybe the dog will buy me dinner....

"Advancing the Economic Security of Unmarried Women"

So I've still got finance on the brain...when I got the invite for a forum about the economic security of unmarried women at the Center for American Progress, I couldn't pass it up--

Center for American Progress talks about "Advancing the Economic Security of Unmarried Women"

"Study finds median wealth for single black women at $5"

A Facebook friend posted this article and I posted it there, but it certainly deserves to be posted and plastered everywhere. I suppose I thought that by choosing writing/editing, a career path the unsteady income, I was kind of an exception, but it looks like that is not the case. Overall, black women aren't doing so well financially. I'm glad the article points out the complexity of this issue--it isn't because black women keep shopping or getting their hair done that they are at a financial disadvantage.

"The popular image is they spend too much, which is the reason they are running up credit card and consumer debt, but the cost of living has risen faster than income, and they need to go into debt for basic daily necessities," Ms. Lui said. "It's compounded because unemployment is twice as high in the black community than it is in the white community."

For all working-age black women 18 to 64, the financial picture is bleak. Their median household wealth is only $100. Hispanic women in that age group have a median wealth of $120.

"That means half of [black women] have a net worth of more than $100 and half have a net worth of less than $100," Ms. Lui said. "So that gives you an idea of how far in debt some women of color are."

Married or cohabitating white women have a median wealth of $167,500. Married or cohabitating black women have a median net worth of $31,500.

The reasons behind the daunting financial challenges black women face are numerous and complex.

__________

"If wealth was based on hard work, African-Americans would be the wealthiest people in our nation," she said. "It's not about behavior. It's about government policies. Who does the government help and who is it not helping?"

READ MORE:
Study finds median wealth for single black women at $5

The Third Wheel's the Charm (Or if you can't get your own date, why not unwittingly sit in on someone else's?)

So I met a friend last night for a free outdoor movie--great weather, no rain( finally), not too muggy, all in all a good night to be out and about. This friend is an inclusive sort of person, so I mentioned it to a few other people, in case they wanted to join us. For her part, she at first said that "this guy X might come." That was when we first met up. We got to talking about other things and she casually mentioned that she hadn't really met X before, they'd been trying to connect and hadn't before now and she mentioned the movie to him. So it was kind of a blind date. A blind date in which I would kind of be a participant.

I am a lot better at just rolling with it than I used to be, so it was what it was. He was hungry before the movie started, so he went to get food and offered to bring back ice cream for us both. I was happy to participate in that. Overall, though, I don't know if it was quite what he'd expected...had she told him she was meeting me at the movie or just that she was going to the movie? I couldn't tell. But hey--blind dates are supposed to have an element of surprise, right?

Commerce

This past weekend some friends had a Pimps and Ho's party that I declined to attend and a male friend offered to treat me to dinner, later saying something like, "If I pay for dinner, you'll put out?" I was pissed. He apologized profusely, saying it really was a joke and that he kids like that with other women (some of whom I know).

And there you have it: commerce.

(A lot of times, I edit out (meaning never write about) such foolishness, but I think you're grown enough to handle it.)

Some Men Find the Pen to Be as Effective as the Sword


I've been in several discussions about the "why" behind the popularity of Steve Harvey's book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. One person said that it was because he had a good publicist, while others just marveled that the book has taken off as it as.

I try not to hate, but I have to admit that while I am happy for his success, I wondered about the white, leather-bound special edition that they were touting around Mother's Day. Is this really gift for your mom? The mom who has everything...except a man? Or is Mother's Day one of those occasions when you give gifts to women in general? Mind you if I had a book out, I suppose I'd squeeze every single money-making opportunity I could out of it...well, maybe I'd say no to the 3-D, pop-up, comic version that acts as a flotation device.

In any case, I was looking at his high ranking on the bestseller list in the newspaper (sometimes I still read it the old-fashioned way--on paper) and my eye wandered over to my bookshelf where I saw another very popular dating advice book that had a male (co)author: He's Just Not That Into You.

And I thought, maybe that is it! Women go crazy for dating advice from men because they figure that men are the experts on their own kind. Just as kids will pay attention when someone other than their parent tells them the same thing that their parents have said, maybe women don't want advice from other women or their close friends and relatives. Getting counsel from a stranger who is unconnected to you might make it seem more objective...Somehow I don't think that it would work in reverse: men would not go crazy for an advice book about women written by a woman. (Although, you never know: I was got an earful of male dating angst this past weekend as two twenty-something who sat a few feet away from me at an outdoor cafe went over their confusion and sex lives in great detail).

Saddened by Violence Against Women

I was saddened to hear more of the story about a young, pregnant woman found dead on Mother's Day in Maryland. They arrested her boyfriend, believed to be the unborn child's father. Both of their families are shocked and grieving. Members of his family say they know him and cannot imagine him doing anything like this.

And last week it was reported that Chris Brown wants the charges against him dismissed on the usual technicality. He has a good defense and they are doing what a good defense does in such cases. I couldn't have imagined it turning out any other way...and yet I shudder to think of the continuing precedent that is set when one can does not have to take responsibility for one's actions. It happens all the time and this is not the first domestic violence case in which it has happened...but that doesn't make it any less disturbing.

Live Long and Prosper


I boldly went to see a late showing of Star Trek last Friday, when I knew quite well that I would spend days trying to recover. No one said space travel was easy.

In the future, there will still be wars and conflicts; Iowa will still be filled with cornfields; a boy without a father will still rebel to drown his pain uptight nerds will still be at a loss to understand daredevils and people will still carry flasks with a little somethin' somethin' in them. Isn't it a comfort to know that the more things change, the more they stay the same?

Really though, I like the direction the took with the Star Trek prequel. It was a fantastic movie with a lot of action and a good storyline.

By the end of the movie, though, I had turned to my usual griping about the roles women, specifically women of color get to play. By then, it seemed that Uhura (played by Zoe Saldana) was only there to comfort her love interest. But then I remembered that her intelligence and competence had been established early on. She had been assertive with a superior to get the assignment she wanted and her knowledge had provided key information that the hero used to save the day. And as far as her being there to comfort someone, well back in the day audiences were scandalized when Uhura as played by Nichelle Nichols kissed William Shatner's Captain Kirk--the first kiss between an African American and a Caucasian on a television show of that type.

Her role may not have been perfectly balanced (who's is?) but Uhura did have range. And that is a lot more than many women get in movies that are primarily adventure stories that focus on male characters.

The National Zoo Talks Animal S-E-X

So sad, even I have been reduced to using those three letters to get people to read my stuff:

Woo at the Zoo: Let's Talk About Sex

I'm thinking this will be one of my more well-read posts.

High Profile Case Shines Spotlight on Domestic Violence

Last night, I was on Twitter and read a throwaway remark about Chris Brown and Rihanna being something like Ike and Tina Turner. Since I wasn't up on the latest at that point, I didn't want to jump to conclusions about what that meant.

Well, I could have taken a flying leap because that person had explained all in rather callous shorthand: Chris Brown Charged, Arrested After Alleged Rihanna Assault.

That makes me very sad.

Increasing Domestic Violence Really Scary

Domestic Violence Hits Home (Again)

Declaraciónes de Amor

Yesterday, as I got off of the train, I saw a young man eyeing a young woman appreciatively. His half smile told me that he was sure to declare himself and not just walk by.

"Shut the f*ck up," he said.

"You shut the f*ck up," she replied.

"Before I take that [?] from you," she added.
(Ah, they know each other and have performed these courtship rituals before.)

Later, as I walked down the street I heard a woman yell, "I'm not picking you the f*ck up!" And then a child whimpered.

Maybe it was the same young woman, declaring a maternal love as she had earlier declared romantic love. Love is in the air.

Three on a Match

I read about this pre-Code film in this Girls, Meet Gotham article that came out about the same time the Sex and the City movie made its grand entrance. I was intrigued and put it on my Netflix and finally got around to watching it.

Because it was made in 1932 before Hollywood's morality police took over (imagine that--there was time when they were policing morality in Hollywood, Three on a Match flouts convention and gets away with it. It shows and alludes to people, (and more specifically women) doing things they shouldn't and they are not always punished. True, the woman in the trio who leaves her husband does come to a gruesome end, but if you look at her entire story, this goes against convention.

Of the three friends, two (Vivian and Ruth) were straight arrows, while the Mary, who hung upside down on the jungle gym showing boys her underpants, smoked cigarettes behind the school, and spent time in reform school, winds up married to a rich lawyer. (Mary gets the Vivian's lawyer husband after Vivian leaves him for a shiftless acquaintance of Mary's.)

The polar opposites, the good-girl-gone-bad Vivian and bad-girl-gone-good Mary, go through dramatic changes. Middling Ruth works hard in school, works hard at her job, and in the end gets to be a nanny to the child Vivian abandoned, while Mary becomes lady of the manor by marrying the husband that Vivian abandoned.

Vivian seems to be the one most punished because she shows signs of depression before running off. It is clear that she repressed her authentic self to follow the dictates of society and then went off the deep end when she couldn't take it anymore. Mary spent her early days, living life to the fullest and did suffer some. Her exuberance gets tempered, but she never loses her joi de vivre.

This goes against the cultural norm that says that it is better to sacrifice yourself. Mary sacrifices little and gains much in the end.

Killing Birds Without Stones

So I was driving down 395 yesterday, happily singing Christmas music along with the radio, when I saw a bird nearing the right side of my car. Birds fly by all the time, but in a split second I saw that this bird was too close. There was little I could do, driving on the highway, over a bridge in the right hand lane.

And SPLAT, it made contact. And for another fraction of a second I thought it would just fall off of the car, making for an unpleasant, but brief encounter. As is often the case, I was wrong.

I realized that this bird had not just hit my windshield; it had become impaled on the antenna.

And I watched it die.

By now, I had left the bridge. I was in a middle lane with cars on either side. And I cannot really begin to describe just how awful it was. I had to keep driving as the impaled bird tried to free itself. It's head jutted against the windshield and I had to do all I could to hold myself together.

When I did leave the highway, I called the friend I was coming into town to meet and asked if he'd help me remove the bird. By now, it had given up.

I was near the National Mall and parking was hard to find. I saw a woman getting ready to leave a space and I hovered near. She kept pointing and gesturing. I, in turn, gestured to indicate that I was aware of the dying/dead bird impaled on my car. I still needed a parking space, however. Then I feared that some animal rights fanatic would vandalize my car before I was able to get my friend to help me remove the bird.

"I really just should have taken metro," I said at one point.

Later, my sometimes-atheist, sometimes-Buddhist friend said this was God's way of telling me that I should have taken metro.

And suddenly, I was irritated. "How do you know what God is saying?" I asked. "You don't even believe in God."

But later, as he removed the bird, he remarked on the odds that a bird would impale itself on an antenna in that fashion. Being a mathematician, he noted that the bird had to have been flying at just the right angle, etc., etc. "That's very rare."

And for me that was it: I was traumatized by the entire incident, but perhaps the point of it all was that the rare and impossible does happen.

Earlier, I had been talking about a rather upsetting situation that seems to have no solution. But, hey, if a bird can impale itself on my car antenna, who is to say what else can happen? Of course, I am hoping for more pleasant rarities and not traumatic ones.

Still, I am very sorry that the poor bird had to suffer like that. My friend, however, was fascinated by this gruesome death.

"Don't you care about the sanctity of life?" I asked.

He mulled it over and said yeah, he cared, but that it was still cool to see a bird impaled on a car antenna.

And yes, I took a picture of it because if I get nothing else out of all the random things that happen, I get a story.

Increasing Domestic Violence is Really Scary


Yes, I know it is Halloween and people are getting ready for tricks and treats and all sorts of fun stuff. But I want to talk about something that is truly frightening.

I cannot let October end without mentioning that it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Recently, I saw a teenage girl being bullied by a teenage boy. He didn't hit her, but he was being quite menacing. It was late at night at a bus stop outside a metro station in my troubled neighborhood. I had my cell phone ready in case it escalated and I needed to call the police. When I told someone this story they stopped short of chiding me for not intervening. What could I have done? And how would I have helped her if he decided to do me harm as well?

Sadly, things like this happen everyday.

Just yesterday, a friend of mine told me that while her then (and now former) boyfriend didn't hit her, he gave her some indication that he could hurt her if he wanted to.

According to www.endabuse.org, about 1/3 of the women in the U.S. reported being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in a 1998 survey. That was the amount of women who reported the abuse. But how many didn't report it? And that was ten years ago. Now with the heightened stress of a bad economy even more women and teenage girls are likely to become victims of abuse.

Earlier this year, members of my family had to bury my cousin after she died at the hands of someone she had dated who did not agree that their relationship should end.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (799-7233)

If you are an abuser or a victim, get help.

Domestic Violence Hits Home (Again)

The Other Side of the Door

I supposed when people try to help you and it doesn't turn out quite the way you thought it would, you should just be grateful. However, when have I been known to leave an oddity un-commented upon?

I really do appreciate it when a man hold open a door for me. More often than not, they tend to do it rather quietly. So I should have known that something was up when I was leaving a coffee shop and man called out rather loudly, "I'll get it! I'll get it!" just as I was about to exit.

I paused to let him get the door and he did...but then he walked through it. He held it open once he was on the other side, so he did make good on his promise. Who's to say that this isn't how it is done where he comes from?

However, when I described this incident to two friends (a guy and a girl) they broke into peals of laughter.

This post would be 1000x more compelling if it was accompanied by pictorial evidence. I had such evidence, but it seems my camera has been stolen. I hope it turns up, but in the meantime, here goes:

The BlogHer DC Bathroom Brigade

Any time I go to some event and stand in the line for the women's bathroom that inevitably snakes around a corner while the man's bathroom remains unoccupied, the conversation about who designs buildings and 'why don't we just use the men's bathroom' commences. And only sometimes does anyone really take action.

Well at the BlogHer '08 Reach Out Tour in DC, some of us stormed the castle, or the commodes, shall we say. Since the conference was at a rather nice hotel, the men's bathroom was not at all scary and they had the same fresh flowers that the women's bathroom had. Perhaps knowing that we'd pick up on secrets such as this this is why men live in fear of women's empowerment...

In any case, the conference gave us a lot more that secret bathroom knowledge. We also got great swag like slippers, notepads and reusable bags.

Ok, in all seriousness, it was a great conference and I'll be back later in the day with more about stuff I actually learned. (And hopefully my camera will show up as well.)